if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
You Might Also Like
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Every haunted house movie:
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I’m already scared
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig