ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
You Might Also Like
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.