Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
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I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Nose
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN