Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
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Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.