It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
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I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted