SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
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Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.