Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
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kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…