Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
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[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT