[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
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When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.