Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
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“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Left at a local drug store…
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
#Caturday
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record