It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
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Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Canada has crack?
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.