Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
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Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Oceanography is all about current events
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.