[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
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Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Never ghost your hitman.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.