manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
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Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*