Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
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*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?