I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
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YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Nice try Hitler
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
When he asks for feet pics