*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
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Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.