I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
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Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Chicken bread
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.