the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
You Might Also Like
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Me if I was a dog
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome