Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
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Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne