Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
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If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho