Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
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A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
our love story in four pictures
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR