if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
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[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
i wish we could shoplift online
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.