Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
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My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
The best plant holders?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.