neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
this is the best interaction on twitter
âDid you hear, Tim died.â
Oh no, was it serious?
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? đ
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like âwhere did mommy put her keys this timeâ and âwho can spot mommyâs cell phoneâ
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, thatâs just great
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Namaste
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Unpopular opinion: I donât like that country song about that road.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
since my comics are âtoo girlyâ i made one for boys
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if itâs Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.