If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
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[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Holy shit he’s back
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”