There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
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Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse