[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
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me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.