My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
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No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong