Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
You Might Also Like
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
my name if I was in the mob
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.