To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
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You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
This could be us, but you weedin’.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed