Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
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i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
hackers play passwordle
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”