Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
You Might Also Like
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
For anyone who needs this today
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.