Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
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Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails