What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
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INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.