[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
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My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
This rocks
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Husband of the year 😂
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.