[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
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“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.