My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
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Autocarrot sucks!
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.