My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
You Might Also Like
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
yea so i messed up lol
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do