[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
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[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
These are my roll models.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I thought this was funny lol
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.