Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
You Might Also Like
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*