I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
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I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Just why bro?!
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
it’s the silliest best thing
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.