I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
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KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I just love that new Pope smell.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
OH. COME. ON.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting