Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
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My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Catering service
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.