Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
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Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
rapatouille
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair