A leaf blower, but for people.
You Might Also Like
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
kitchen magnet