I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
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If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”