Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
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7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid