Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
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Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
man i love columbo
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.