me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
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Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
i guess his teacher was really pissed
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*